Lamppostings

I Yam What I Yam!

There I go quoting Popeye again. Actually, that’s a first for me. I admire Popeye’s self-acceptance. I wish I was more like Popeye. I do love spinach!

If I ever thought that competition, comparison & feelings of inadequacy would end as I got older, I have long since been disappointed. I look at my boys & my heart is already breaking a bit for the things that I know that they will have to go through as they are in more & more social situations. Not only is it part of growing up, it’s a part of life. There are different pressures, different things that we feel like we have to live up to, but it never really stops.

Which  brings me to where I am at the moment. I’m in this precarious place where I am feeling more comfortable in my skin, in my position, in my place while at the same time wanting to change, to grow – to be better. It’s a constant tug of war – the pull of more, bigger (or smaller), nicer & newer. Sometimes I look around my house & despair – it’s never completely tidy or clean, it often feels too small, I long for just one more room. Then I take a moment, look again & I see the many books that my boys are enjoying & learning to read, the two or three craft projects that are in process on the dining room table, the cushions off the sofa that moments ago were a fort that Jude was hiding in. Our house is a reflection of who we are & what stage of life we are in. Sure, I could do a bit better about tidying up & cleaning – it’s something that I struggle with, but as clean & tidy as our house can be, there will be lots of books, craft supplies & kid stuff around.

I feel the same way personally. There are times when I long for more, to be able to devote more time to developing me. To go back to school, to be working for a non-profit, to do more volunteering. But my life is a reflection of the stage that I am at. I am blessed to be a stay at home Mom & for me, it’s an honour & a responsibility. At my last birthday party, my husband, Colin, prayed for our food & prayed for me at the same time. I hid it well, but I was in tears when he finished. He prayed for me to know that I was in the right place, doing the right thing at this stage of my life.  Things change, they change fast. The boys are growing up, & my role with them will evolve. My time commitments will change too. I imagine at some point, I will have time to devote to more things outside my family. I wonder what that will look like.

Right now though, I am here. I am what I am. I don’t believe that I should put everything on hold while I stay at home with the boys. That’s not what I want them to see and learn. I want them to see me learning, doing, serving, but I also want them to feel my devotion to them.

I think this applies to whatever situation you find yourself in. Whether you are a working parent, a single person, waiting to have children – know what you are called to be right now & be present, be who you are supposed to be. Change happens, it’s constant, so what you are supposed to be will evolve. This too shall pass. Enjoy the good times & learn through the tough times. I’m enjoying & learning a lot these days.